“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
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Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling