Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
You Might Also Like
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
12. I think about this all the damn time
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
my proudest tweet
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.