Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
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everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Personal question. #JustSaying
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away