[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
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Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.