whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
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asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…