Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
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Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.