Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
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Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.