who’s gonna tell her?
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LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”