Who’s ready for Friday?!
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No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Alexa, make me look good naked.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Who wants to be my Valentine?