who’s ready for the long weeknd?
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Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha