Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Pot warmers of the day.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”