“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
You Might Also Like
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!