@Hormonella

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

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@causticbob

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

@electrolemon

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

@Havish_AF

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

@TurnpikeTony

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

@WilliamRodgers

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

@noneofyours99

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

@HotBitHoran

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

@Robski_Boy

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

@Brianhopecomedy

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.