@TheBoydP

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

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@OtherDanOBrien

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

@TheBoydP

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

@WildAtheist

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

@MattMcC1

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

@

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

@jonnysun

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

@DannyZuker

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

@Dave_in_SoPo

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

@fro_vo

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

@lmwortho

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.