Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
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We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee