Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
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Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Smooooooth
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you