Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
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9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Perfection.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
had to make it
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.