Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
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Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.