Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
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And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
He is just living hist best little life 😊
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap