Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
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me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say