Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
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If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Today’s Times
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*