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Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.