“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
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If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.