“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
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“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.