Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
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Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.