Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
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u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
☺️
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I cannot stop laughing at this
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently