Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
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At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…