Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
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Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number