Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
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if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable