Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
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My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Was it something I said?
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers