Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
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Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.