Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
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Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
it be like that
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
“That’s what” – She
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Noted.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog