Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
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What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.