Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
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I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I hope Alan is OK
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.