Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
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What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer