Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
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“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
the best thing i’ve ever made
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
S O O N
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.