Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
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If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Cause of death: Zumba
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭