Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
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when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I saw this ending much differently.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”