[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]
Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
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I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing