@DBMaxP

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

You Might Also Like

@SteveSuckington

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

@krisv_723

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

@SardonicTart

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

@TheAlexNevil

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

@robdelaney

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

@RunOldMan

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

@1followernodad

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

@iwearaonesie

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing