Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

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First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*


I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!


Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.


It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.


Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.


Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.


Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.


wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing