@DBMaxP
@SteveSuckington First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
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@SteveSuckington 
@krisv_723 I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
@SardonicTart Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
@TheAlexNevil It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
@robdelaney Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
@RunOldMan Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
@envydatropic I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
@1followernodad Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
@TheAndrewNadeau ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
@iwearaonesie wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing