Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
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interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.