Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
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Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”