@trevso_electric

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

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@DanielRCarrillo

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

@slimmy_shady

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

@WilliamAder

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

@politicalmath

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

@daemonic3

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

@joeldanger

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

@bmarked21

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

@difficultpatty

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

@Faungirl123

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

@sucittaM

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.