@trevso_electric
@DanielRCarrillo Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
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@DanielRCarrillo 
@slimmy_shady Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
@WilliamAder I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
@politicalmath I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
@daemonic3 Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
@joeldanger Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
@bmarked21 Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
@difficultpatty Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
@Faungirl123 I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
@sucittaM I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.