Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
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“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.