Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
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[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
So inspired right now.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.