Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
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I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?