Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
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I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Breaking news:
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.