Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
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Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.