Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
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Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
The devil.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter