@trevso_electric

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

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@Shariv67

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

@DurtMcHurtt

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

@EmmECarroll

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

@Demented_Jokes

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

@VerifiedDrunk

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

@MoistPork

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

@a_simpl_man

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

@Lisabug74

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.