Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
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WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
#gardening
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog