@Elifcello

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

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@DrunkSocialite

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

@Loli_Sug

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

@ColoradoUgly

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

@cerebralbeef

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

@HushJared

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

@samalmightysam

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.