Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

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My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.


Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl


Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.


The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.


i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip


Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.