Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
You Might Also Like
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
when mom throws a party…
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken