Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

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Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do


If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.


Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.


If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.


sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests


The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.


Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.