Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
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Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
i have one speed and it’s mosey
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice