Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
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therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
My birth announcement for our third baby
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
He-man has a Masters degree
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!