Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
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[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me trying to “trust the process”
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
What do you hear?
Who needs an Air Fryer?
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Autocarrot sucks!
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!