Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
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Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
Bruh PLEASE
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘