Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
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my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Genius idea!!
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?