why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
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guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Somebody call the cops.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.