Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
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Buying a well is money well spent.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
peeping toms
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently