why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
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My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.