why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
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“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.