Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
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3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.